— From a Positive Discipline perspective —
Is “Praising” Children Good Enough?
You’ve probably heard “praise your child” a lot—but not all praise builds real confidence.
What kind actually helps children grow?
When your child draws a picture or works hard at practicing something, it’s natural to say things like “Wow, great job!” or “You’re amazing!”
These words usually come from a warm place — a desire to make your child happy and show recognition.
However, sometimes even well-meaning praise can unintentionally dampen a child’s willingness to try new challenges.
Even praise from a warm place can can unintentionally shift a child’s focus toward seeking adult approval rather than paying attention to how they feel about themselves.
Positive Discipline: Adler’s Approach to Encouragement
Positive Discipline is based on the psychology of Alfred Adler.
Adler emphasized that encouragement, rather than punishment or rewards, is key to a child’s growth.
Dr. Jane Nelsen’s book Positive Discipline (Nelsen, 2013) provides practical ways to apply this in everyday parenting.
The focus is less on praising achievements, and more on recognizing effort, creativity, thoughtfulness, and the act of trying itself.
This approach helps children feel “I have value” and “It’s okay to take on challenges,” nurturing the roots of real confidence.
🌱 Positive Discipline is grounded in Adlerian psychology, and helps to build confidence and connection in children.
The Difference Between Praise and Encouragement
The Quick Fix and Pitfall of Praise
Phrases like “You’re smart” or “You’re talented” focus on outcomes or abilities.
Children start to work for the sake of approval.
In a famous Stanford study, Carol Dweck compared children solving puzzles who were told either:
- “You’re smart”
- “You worked hard”
The results were clear:
- Kids praised for being “smart” tended to choose easier puzzles next.
- Kids praised for effort were more likely to take on harder challenges.
Key takeaway:
Focusing on effort rather than results nurtures resilience and a willingness to try — it supports children’s “I can do this” mindset.
The Power of Encouragement
Encouragement isn’t a trick to get kids motivated — it’s an act of building courage.
When children feel “I can do this”, they are naturally more willing to act.
Instead of praising outcomes, pay attention to effort, creativity, thoughtfulness, and the act of trying.
Even a small acknowledgment can instill a sense of “I did it myself” and “I’m glad I tried”.
Praise vs. Encouragement: A Comparison
| Focus | Praise | Encouragement |
|---|---|---|
| What it emphasizes | Results or ability | Effort, process, strategy |
| Example phrases | “Good job!” “You’re so smart!” | “You worked hard!” “You did it!” “You didn’t give up!” |
| How children may interpret it | “I have to get results to be valued” | “Effort and strategy matter” |
Research Shows Encouragement Works
Studies consistently show that recognizing effort and providing encouragement helps sustain children’s motivation long-term. These studies together show that acknowledging effort and process, rather than talent or outcome, consistently fosters resilience and intrinsic motivation.
🧩 Stanford University Experiment (Mueller & Dweck, 1998)
- Children told “You’re smart” tended to choose easier puzzles next.
- Children told “You worked hard” tackled more challenging puzzles.
→ Acknowledging effort builds resilience and the courage to take on challenges.
👶 Parent-Child Conversation Study (Gunderson et al., 2013)
- Children aged 1–3 who heard phrases like “You tried hard” or “Good thinking” were more likely, five years later, to believe effort leads to growth.
→ Early encouragement shapes learning attitudes and motivation for years to come.
🧠 Puzzle Experiment (Corpus & Lepper, 2007)
- Children praised for their thinking process (“You concentrated so hard”) persisted even after failing, more than children praised for being “good at puzzles.”
→ Recognizing effort and process cultivates perseverance and problem-solving skills.
Recent reviews reinforce this. For example, Corpus & Good (2021) found that feedback focusing on effort, strategy, and autonomy most strongly supports children’s intrinsic motivation.
Conversely, praise focused on outcomes or talent may give a short-term boost but can weaken long-term willingness to take on challenges.
Connection with Growth Mindset
Believing that abilities can improve through effort is the foundation of a growth mindset.
- Telling a child “You’re smart” can make failure feel like a personal flaw, causing them to avoid challenges.
- Praising effort and strategy fosters the belief “I can improve if I try”.
(This topic will be explored in more detail in a future post.)
Simple Ways to Turn Praise into Encouragement
Common phrases like “Great job!” or “Well done!” aren’t bad — they show love and recognition.
But with a few small changes, you can turn a moment of praise into a moment of learning and connection, nurturing your child’s inner motivation and self-esteem.
| Situation | Common Phrase | Encouragement Alternatives |
|---|---|---|
| Drawing a picture | “Great job!” | “You chose to use the purple crayon to draw the house.” “You drew a big circle.” “You didn’t give up.” |
| Homework | “Well done!” | “You were so focused and finished it all.” “You took your time and thought about it carefully.” |
| Sports/practice | “You came in first place!” | “You practiced every day!” “You were running as fast as you can!” |
| After a failure | “Try harder next time” | “You kept trying without giving up!” |
These small changes give children a sense of being seen and believed in.
Shifting from evaluating results to recognizing effort and creativity lays the foundation for confidence and positive learning.
Three Benefits of Encouraging Words
- Builds self-trust
→ Children learn “It’s okay to fail” and “I can try again”. - Reduces comparison with others
→ Focus shifts from external evaluation to personal growth. - Supports long-term motivation
→ Nurtures intrinsic motivation: the drive to try and experiment from within.
Encouragement Strengthens the Parent-Child Relationship
Encouraging children can also bring a sense of calm and joy for the parent as well as nurture the parent-child relationship.
Shifting focus from “Did they do it right?” to “How are they growing?” creates a warmer, more trusting relationship.
Summary & Reflection
Praising children isn’t wrong.
But encouragement helps children develop the power to grow from within.
Notice the words you use with your child today.
From tomorrow, try noticing effort, strategy, and creativity rather than just results.
It’s okay if it feels tricky at first—you’re learning too!
That small shift can be the first step in supporting your child’s resilience and courage to take on challenges.
If you’re unsure how to encourage effectively, one-on-one Positive Discipline support can help you practice.
We’ll guide you in using words that truly nurture your child’s confidence and courage every day.
References
- Nelsen, J. (2013). Positive Discipline. Ballantine Books.
- Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33–52.
PubMed: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9686450/ - Gunderson, E. A., et al. (2013). Parent praise to 1–3 year olds predicts children’s motivational frameworks 5 years later. Child Development, 84(5), 1526–1541. Full text (PMC): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3655123/
- Corpus, J. H., & Lepper, M. R. (2007). The effects of person versus performance praise on children’s motivation: Gender and age as moderating factors. Educational Psychology.
Author PDF (Reed College): https://www.reed.edu/psychology/motivation/assets/downloads/Corpus_Lepper_2007.pdf - Corpus, J. H., & Good, K. A. (2021). The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation revisited. In E. Brummelman (Ed.), Psychological Perspectives on Praise (pp. 39–46). Abington, UK: Routledge.
Author PDF (Reed College): https://www.reed.edu/psychology/motivation/assets/downloads/Corpus_Good_2021.pdf
Discover more from PosiFam
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.